I’m starting a fresh new blog. It’s called “You’re my new dream” from the movie Tangled. I was reading my Hotel Transylvania blog from 2013 and I wrote that I don’t normally watch animated movies. Since then I now love a lot of them.
Tangled is my favorite. It describes my life story perfectly. I couldn’t come up with a more accurate movie. A young girl growing up with her mother. Her mother sheltered her. Would not let her leave their tower. She said it was two dangerous out there and that people would try to steal her hair (power). Growing up my parents sheltered me. They were not religious. They let me watch R rated movies, however for whatever reason when it came to going out with friends and going to amusement parks or on small trips with the youth group I practically had to beg. It wasn’t that I never got to do anything, it was more I missed out on quite a bit. One of my best friends lived less than a mile away on a back country road and I wasn’t allowed to walk or ride my bike to her house. Youth group would go out for ice cream after church and the answer was usually no until one night I finally begged and said what have I done to make you not trust me? I was in high school. I never did any drugs, never drank, never had sex. I was a goody goody. I wasn’t allowed to ride in the car of my best friend. They had to take and drop me off. When I started off driving I was only allowed to drive to school and back. We lived out in the country and wasn’t allowed to make a ten min drive into town. I grew up super responsible. My parents started leaving me alone without a babysitter probably around 8. My mom told me when I was 2 years old and woke up early that I knew better than to wake them up and make my own bowl of cereal. I went to King’s Island (amusement park) for one day with a friend and her church and my mom was in tears letting me go. It was two hours away. I was back home late that night. I had friends growing up, but as I look back I really never did a whole lot. I thought it was because I was so shy and maybe that’s part of it, but I think a lot has to do with being sheltered from a young age. I was taught to trust no one. We don’t talk and express feelings. We don’t deal with things head on, but when times are rough we quit and get out of them or sweep them under the rug and move on. I remember hanging out with a friend and her wanting to sneak out the window to do what? Nothing just to do it and I ran and told my dad. My dad would randomly drive by her house to show off his hot rod or to check up on us? Not sure. I went through a phase where I would not cuss. I found religion around 14 and clung so tightly to it. It gave me comfort so I drifted more and more into it until I was brainwashed. I threw out all of my secular cds and only listen to Christian and country music. I went to church every time the door was open. Went to everything bible studies, ladies group, youth group. I thought it was wrong to cuss and drink alcohol. Thought I had to pray and read my bible everyday. I would make a list of people to pray for and feel guilty if I missed anyone, even those I am not super close with. I never dated, never went to prom or dances or sporting events and those were by my choice. By the time I was 18 I think my parents wish I were going to stuff like that and thought I might by gay. What was the point though, the things I really wanted to do I wasn’t allowed. And boys? I was too scared and shy. I lived more through my friends stories of meeting boys. My goal was simply to blend in. I was always that friend though that people felt like they could open up to me. I listened and empathized greatly for them. It’s like I could feel what they felt. My parents always told me they loved me, but never encouraged me to be my own individual. Never supported me to try new things, but only to do what was safe and expected. My parents never even gave me the sex talk.
Flynn Rider: Now, I’m only picking up bits and pieces here, of course. Overprotective mother, forbidden road trip. I mean, this is serious stuff. But let me ease your conscience. This is part of growing up. A little rebellion, a little adventure, that’s good. Healthy, even.
Rapunzel: [chuckles] You think?
Flynn Rider: I know. You’re way over thinking this, trust me. Does your mother deserve it? No. Would this break her heart and crush her soul? Of course. But you’ve just got to do it.
Rapunzel: Break her heart?
Flynn Rider: [plucks grape off vine] In half.
Rapunzel: Crush her soul?
Flynn Rider: [squeezes grape] Like a grape.
Rapunzel: She would be heartbroken. You’re right.
A part of growing up means being a child first. Being a child, even an adult involves taking leaps of faith. Making mistakes. Doing things you “aren’t supposed to.” Experience is the greatest teacher. Which is probably why I failed at childhood, even adolescence. . . and part of my adulthood. I didn’t know any better. I was stuck in that tower for years and years and had no idea there was another world out there! I thought I had to try to be perfect, but I don’t. I didn’t know that I was my own person and had the power in me to discover more about myself, who I am as a person. It’s not the same as my mom and dad. My mom tried to live through me, but I’m not her. I am a different person. I was stuck…paralyzed for a very very long time. I thought something was wrong with me because I had these desires and longings inside me to be different. I grew up to think a certain way, but it’s my brain. I can think however I want to. How freeing that is.
Moving away from Indiana, from my parents was my first big act as being me, an individual with my own dreams and desires, wanting to see the world, wanting to learn what I didn’t get to. Let me tell you it took almost a mountain to move me, but I am so thankful for it. Growing up I went through friendship after friendship. I lost my grandparents. I thought I knew everything, that I had all the answers and that everything was black and white, right or wrong. I judged people, yet I struggled with myself. Something didn’t feel right. I was unhappy and depressed, never felt like I belonged anywhere.
It wasn’t until 2011 that things began to change for me. I moved out on my own because being with my parents was unbearable. I began to care for me. I stopped going to church. Went through a detox. I went to school and became a CNA. For the first time in years I had fun in school. I enjoyed learning so much and I made the highest grade in the class. I had never done that before. I had friendships. I became very interested in dating. I wanted to lose weight and get healthy. I found that with great determination and will things can change. I can be whoever I want to be. My hair can be three different colors. I began reading a lot of self help books, some Christian some not. I found myself journaling a lot. I started working a job at the hospital and in that year and a half I was there I found that I finally found somewhere where I really felt like I finally fit in. Another coworker later described us as “the island of misfit toys.” So true. None of us perfect, but I was able to have great friends. We were like family. It was amazing. Patients saw how happy I was. Some called me smiley Brooke. I loved every minute of it. Getting to know different patients was amazing. It touched my heart so much.
A new dream that actually stemmed from 2010 was to move away. It didn’t matter so much as where as it did that I went. At the time I had no idea what the struggles from my childhood had done to me. I went through an extremely stressful year in 2012 of having two grandparents in the hospital, my dad maybe having a stroke, my favorite roommate moving out, liking a guy, calling him boyfriend only to find out he was gay, having a headache last 24 days, finding out I have a tumor on my pituitary gland, missing work for a month, coming back to work being on night shift…finally only to find out they are closing down the unit. Our last day was December 23rd. Right before Christmas. I decided to go to counseling. I needed a little help. In counseling I began to realize my whole life I have missed out. I haven’t really lived and the way a normal person should get to. My dad is an alcoholic and been one most of my life. He has worked on and off since I can remember. Mom has been the stable working one paying all the bills. Taking care of dad and I. My mom did the best she could with what she new, but she also has some neurotic and ocd tendencies from her horrific childhood. Her mom was a paranoid schizophrenic. I can’t blame them for my problems. They did the best they could with what they knew, but because of their issues I had issues of my own to work through. There were consequences that were there for me from the beginning. My parents don’t understand that. It’s all or nothing for them. They think I’m telling them they were bad parents or bad people or something. No that’s not what I’m saying, but I am not alright. I did not have a normal upbringing and that has affects on me. I have to grieve those things I missed. Losses I’ve endured. I didn’t just make it through scratch free.
I moved to Arizona finally in Sept. 2014. I finally broke free of the things holding me down. I found freedom. It wasn’t easy. I was alone for the first few months. It was very lonely. I cried a lot, but when I finally let my guard down and began living trying new things WATCH OUT! Good things happened. I met my future husband. One of the things I felt God had told me before I moved was that my husband was not there in Indiana. Soon as I move BAM there he is! I felt things I never felt before. These emotions and feelings were so overwhelming. It was a God thing. I started going to church with him. It is awesome. I went to a few Adult Child of Alcoholics support group meetings and oh wow! Should of been going a long time ago and that could of answered so many questions from the get go. Life was flowing wonderfully. My first dream was moving away, finding myself (seeing the lanterns). After I moved here my new dream became my husband. And from there we have new dreams together now. It’s beautiful.
One downside though. My parents gave me about 7-9 months to ruin it all. Like the mother who went after Rapunzel. They have nonstop tried to hinder me! Tried to take my freedom away. It’s quite sad actually what they have done and the stress they have caused me in the past two years and even before then why I urgently had to move away. I been nice and tried to forgive and tolerate. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. That cord is gone. NO MORE. It’s so sad. I’ve grieved this decision months in the making. What I am giving up. My family. I seriously have nobody except my husband. Everyone wants family. It’s just so sad that in order for me to have family it comes at a price and frankly I am not willing to let their negativity create toxicity in my life anymore. My freedom will be positivity and all things that are good. The old is gone. The new is here and alive!
Let go and embrace new life.
My husband and I got married and have been so blessed to purchase a home, have good jobs and trying to build lasting friendships, possibly talking babies in a few years and traveling. Living life to the fullest. It is beautiful : )